Introduction to Procrastipoise
Who I am, what it is.
Some Context
My name is... you'd think this was the easy bit... it’s Lauren, but let's go with Dot. It's a childhood nickname, still in use. I'll explain the backstory at some point. I want to create a discourse that feels like a friendly chat, explore some personal topics and opinions, so you may call me Dot. Paradoxically, I suppose using a moniker, a potential alter-ego, gives me a protective sense of distance.
Anyway… I'm a 20-something, disabled creative freelancer from the UK, working and branching into journalism but very much still feeling my way around adulthood. A clear understanding of who I am and what I believe in is under continuous construction but I’m ok with that. If I'm undecided, it's because I'm open-minded. I reserve the right to defer judgement, keep considering, change my mind. If I'm slow to speak - or write - it's because I'd prefer to say the right thing, in the right words, as far as possible.
And yet - sometimes you have to stop dithering and just do. I am a Procrastinator. That sound's like a support-meeting style of confession, which is fitting in a way because my procrastination is both chronic and acute, diagnosed by myself and others, and it can be a serious impediment in my life. There are so many things I want to do, intend to do, wish I'd done and have regrets about not doing, and although there's not really anything stopping me, I simply haven't.
I willingly defer the pursuit of goals that I don't feel ready or brave enough to throw myself into and have a strong general sense of failing to seize the day, opportunities, my talents. I will make myself busy with other commitments; not necessarily trivial ones, but things that I know could probably wait. Does that sound like a contradiction? I'm full of those, best get used to it.
Procrastipoise: what does it mean?
The name: Procrastipoise. A portmanteau of 'procrastination' and 'poise'. The title hopefully evokes what I aim to achieve: an equilibrium (or equilateium) that synthesises the polar tensions I move within and aims for some kind of liminal cohesion: clarity within chaos and achievement despite deferral. Within modern societies obsessed with productivity and the manic juggling of work / family / social lives etc, I expect many people may relate to feeling behind or overwhelmed, and possess a desire for greater balance.
Poise is a lovely word - it carries an air of elegance and composure, which I'd be glad to emulate, but also has a capacity of meaning that feels deeply appropriate. To be poised to do something is to inhabit a moment of readiness and imminence, like a compressed coil about to release its spring. Poised to launch is how I'm feeling - pen poised over paper, fingers hovering above the keys, arm muscles braced to pull the rope that opens the stage curtains. I am on the precipice, finally ready to jump.
A similar-but-different facet, being 'in poise' refers to suspension, that elusive moment of stillness within motion. I envisage a ballerina on pointe or gymnast in handstand, waiting for gravity to pull them away from the vertical and initiate the next step of the dance or swing round the bar. The elusive, picture-perfect, mid-leap moment is what I'm aiming for. Poise isn’t only at the start, it’s also in the thick of it. Somehow, I always feel I inhabit both places at once and rarely reach the end.
That's what Procrastipoise means to me - controlled chaos with a touch of aplomb, attaining a careful balance between readying and releasing. It's paradoxical and ambiguous. If I'm a little bit late achieving it, well alright. Just so long as I do. Fingers crossed the result is more split-leap still and less Wile. E Coyote at the moment that his sprint off a cliff becomes a fall into the abyss...
The Purpose
This blog / platform / whatever it is will hopefully be an important part of me learning to take more action by sharing my thoughts and ideas with lovely people like you. Words are agency. It’s also a means of practising and publishing my writing without agonising over it being good enough (yes, I'm a painful perfectionist and over-thinker. Naturellement).
Fittingly, I’m already working with a back-log because I’ve had a change of mind about what publishing platform to use - must there be so many, and so complicated? I had a bunch of draft reviews and articles ready but just couldn’t get along with the previous platform and don’t need another thing to faff over. I’m thinking - screw it - publish them anyway. Better late than never.
I'm not aiming to become a paragon of productivity, but would like to find moderation: a balance of being the considered person I am and achieving things in my own time, but also of still feeling that I'm making progress towards my personal goals and not floundering about as the finish line moves ever further into the fog.
What to expect
A decisive factor in the outcome of this project is you, dear reader. I hope you stumble across something that resonates - if so, please keep reading and come back for more. Here's the type of content that you can expect from Procrastipoise in future:
Reviews - theatre and books, plus anything that takes my fancy.
Articles - some news, opinion pieces and editorials.
Personal blogs - updates and reflections on life events.
Room for growth - I'm leaving the list open and eclectic, so if you have an idea of something you think I could or should be covering, please let me know!
Delays - quite likely, I’ll be upfront about it. Probably accompanied by some whiny self-recrimination about missed deadlines and whatnot but I’ll try to keep a lid on it.
What not to expect:
Chronology - I may post what feels most relevant to me, even if it's not the most recent, and circle back to earlier events at a later date.
Punctuality - A 'let me tell you about this thing that just happened' post isn't impossible, but it's highly unlikely. I’m not Richardson’s Pamela, writing to the moment. But I will do my best to stick to contemporaneous themes and events (aside from the afore-mentioned backlog).
Predictability - of timescale, but also more generally. I know that having a clear 'niche' is supposedly the holy grail when building an online audience, but I have no desire to pigeonhole myself or any readers.
Rhetorical use of the word 'journey'. Sorry but I reflexively
detestdislike it.
In terms of topics, I'm a culture vulture who attends as many arts-related events as possible, which I'll share / review for you to read. I also have experience and continued interest in artistic gymnastics and ballroom dancing, so those sports will crop up. In addition, I live with complex chronic illness and consider myself an advocate for disability and patient rights - a nuanced and important topic. There's a plethora of subjects waiting to be delved into.
In my experience, making a start is usually the hardest part, so - hurrah, glad that's out of the way! If you're still reading, thank you for persevering to the end of my inaugural waffle. I hope there will be many more, but no promises on when... I won't be imposing a strict posting schedule.
*Quick Disclaimer before I sign off* - Being open to flux and continued enlightenment is great, BUT - on the honest flip-side, my tentativeness is at least partly rooted in a lack of confidence. I welcome all responses to anything I put out into the public domain, just please keep it polite and remember that everyone's experiences and opinions differ - as is only to be expected when subjectivity is given a diverse and discursive space in which to breathe.
I’m going to borrow the sign-off phrase of one of my favourite people in the universe, M. Aptly, it sits somewhere between a promise of more to come, and a certain vagueness about when:
More Anon,
Dot x